Jokes etc

[Dean]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet

pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's

chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and

sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has

passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean

you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black

Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on

in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his

front paws on the examination table and sniffed the

duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the

vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out

of the room. A few minutes later he returned with

a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately

sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back

on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and

strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,

but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,

a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!"

she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my

word for it, the bill would have been £20,......

but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[Dean]

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old grand daughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his grand daughter.




One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their grand daughter outin the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'


'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind b*****d, dick-head or w****r anywhere today!'

[Dean]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.


When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


'You sign! You sign!'


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


'You sign! You sign!'


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:



(It's a beauty)




(Wait for it)








(Get your best Chinese accent ready)












'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

[Ciaran]

A guy fancies a girl in his office, but she has a boyfriend. He decides to approach her anyway, and offers her £1000 if she'll have sex with him.
"I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"

The girl consults her boyfriend, and surprisingly, he advises her to go for it, he says to just pick the money up real fast, that way the guy won't stand a chance, and its an easy £1000 for her.

An hour later, the boyfriend calls her to ask what's going on....
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"I can hardly f****** WALK!!" she says..... "the b****** used pound coins!!!"

[Ciaran]

One the smokers amongst us may appreciate

[harryjoe]

Husband reluctantly buys his ungrateful wife a new car for her birthday !

'' i don't like it she moans , i want summa that will go from 0 - 140 in 3 seconds d********d'' .

He comes back with a set of bathroom scales

'' stand on that then you fat cow '' !!!!

[Dean]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-

Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, its like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

[colinxm]

Thanks Dean, made me laugh but Mrs.P has now gone into a sulk

Colin.P

[harryjoe]

a woman died of diarrhoea today after having Anal
with six men in a vintage car, !!!

Police say it was a


Pretty Shitty Gang Bang !

[Dieselman]

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Texas and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in Omaha.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, 'One'.
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day! How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, '$101,237.65'.
Stunned, the boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'Well, first, I sold him a package of small fish hooks.
Then I sold him some medium fishhooks.
Then I sold him some larger fishhooks.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said 'down the coast'.
I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife,
I said, 'Dude, your weekend's screwed, you should go fishing'.''