Jokes (again)

Off topic chat about anything you like. Doesn't have to be about XMs (though they will inevitibly come up!). You can even discuss non-Citroens :o in here!
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DerekW
Knows how to use the parking brake
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Joined: Wed Apr 15, 2009 3:34 pm
Location: Sibsey Lincolnshire

Jokes (again)

Post by DerekW » Wed May 06, 2009 3:55 pm

Latest from my daughter's email ring:

Actual Worldwide Signs


Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN !!!?

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN !!!! TO THE RIGHT

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL !!!! IN TUB.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. (note from Derek: Shouldn't that be "!!!!tails" :P )

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN,LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME

In a Bucharest Hotel lobby (really!):
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Derek
2000 V6 Exclusive, black. RP 8362
2004 C3 Exclusive Sensodrive,the wife's. She doesn't like it.
1995 ZX 1.8 auto, the latest replacement, she loves ZX's. Peace at last.

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Dean
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Re: Jokes (again)

Post by Dean » Wed May 06, 2009 4:57 pm

:lol: Exellent Derek
D
92 Citroen XM Prestige 3.0i Auto R.P5678
14 Mitsubishi L200 Trojan
89 Talbot Express 2.0 coach built Auto-trail Chinook

Addicted to Crackanory

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CitroJim
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Re: Jokes (again)

Post by CitroJim » Wed May 06, 2009 5:00 pm

That's pure gold Derek :lol:
DerekW wrote: Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
My favourite one...
Jim

'98 Saxo
'95 AX
Three bikes - Road, Aero and TT

Ex- owner of several XMs and many Xantias!

hobblerian
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Posts: 125
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Location: Norfolk

Re: Jokes (again)

Post by hobblerian » Thu May 07, 2009 4:16 pm

Airline Announcements?


United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************


On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

*************************************


'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

*************************************


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane..

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

***************************************


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

*******************************************


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

*************************************


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

*************************************


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

***********************************


'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

***********************************


'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

******************************************


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

****************************************


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

****************************************


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways..'

****************************************


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

****************************************


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry i f I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
Previous XM- 1990 H 2.1TD SD
Current XM- 1997 P 2.1TD VSX

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colinxm
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Re: Jokes (again)

Post by colinxm » Thu May 07, 2009 6:49 pm

Hobblerian, your posting just made me spill my tea laughing - thanks mate ;)

Colin.P
1995 Cit XM 2,1 TD Silver Estate - deceased :-(
2004 Opel Vectra Estate
2008 Kia Ceed td
1989 Pug 205 Cabriolet
1998 Ford Puma
1979 Triumph TR7

Peter.N.
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Re: Jokes (again)

Post by Peter.N. » Thu May 07, 2009 9:26 pm

I like that. :D
'96 'N' 2.1 td VSX manual estate White RP6695. Sadly gone
2008 C5 2.0. Hdi Estate, Red
2008 C5 2.0. Hdi Estate Silver


Located in Charmouth, Dorset

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andmcit
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Posts: 2176
Joined: Wed Apr 15, 2009 6:57 am
Location: South Wales - far, far away too!! :D

Re: Jokes (again)

Post by andmcit » Thu May 07, 2009 10:37 pm

I do like the "if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em". Needed that gaffaw. :lol:

Andrew

DerekW
Knows how to use the parking brake
Posts: 198
Joined: Wed Apr 15, 2009 3:34 pm
Location: Sibsey Lincolnshire

Re: Jokes (again)

Post by DerekW » Fri May 08, 2009 4:08 pm

Whilst we're on the airlines thing, I can vouch for this story as being true, it comes from the late '60s when automatic landing aids were being introduced.

After landing an airline pilot recorded the following entry in the unserviceability log. " Autoland landed aircraft fast and to the right of the centre line".

The maintenance supervisor signed the aircraft off as serviceable with the entry "Autoland not fitted to this aircraft". :o

Derek
2000 V6 Exclusive, black. RP 8362
2004 C3 Exclusive Sensodrive,the wife's. She doesn't like it.
1995 ZX 1.8 auto, the latest replacement, she loves ZX's. Peace at last.

DerekW
Knows how to use the parking brake
Posts: 198
Joined: Wed Apr 15, 2009 3:34 pm
Location: Sibsey Lincolnshire

Re: Jokes (again)

Post by DerekW » Fri May 08, 2009 4:22 pm

This isn't funny, but worth telling because it illustrates the Law of Unintended Consequences:

It passed across my desk at about the same time as the previous one as an accident report from HSE. A steel framed, multi-story block was being built, the supporting framework was in place, the concrete floors were erected, the external cladding was mostly fitted as were some of the interior walls. Lifts and stairways were not fitted.

A rigger on the fifth floor noticed a large unguarded hole in the floor. looking around he spotted a door leaning against a wall so with safety in mind he dragged it over and used it to cover the hole.

Some time later two chippies arrived and went looking for their door. Spotting it lying on the floor they stationed themselves at head and foot, lifted and carried it forward - and the chippie at the foot finished up five floors down and dead.

Derek
2000 V6 Exclusive, black. RP 8362
2004 C3 Exclusive Sensodrive,the wife's. She doesn't like it.
1995 ZX 1.8 auto, the latest replacement, she loves ZX's. Peace at last.

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